Nazgul Trainee Journal
by Godzilla2000
Summary: Basically this is my feeble attempt at being funny in the context of a Lord of the Rings Parody. My premise is basically to write a journal from the perspective of a Nazgul Trainee. Don't be too harsh on me when critiqueing this slapped together story.


Day 1  
  
Dear Journal,  
  
I have no idea what day it is nor do I know what time it is so you won't get that out of me. I guess since this is my first day I'll call it Day 1. In fact I have no memory of how I got to the Ring Wraith Academy in the first place. But I do love my nice black outfit. It's so stylish and always matches. I feel very fortunate that plaid isn't the uniform color of the Ring Wraiths. My hooded cloak expertly conceals my lack of any physical body whatsoever as well. I also feel fortunate that no one posesses one of the Magic Rings, yet. It could be quite an embarassing situation indeed if I were not wearing anything at all and I was spotted in all my denuded glory.Today was my first full day of training and quite frankly I've had quite a few difficulties. First of all the Witch King is a total jerk. He mostly ignored my incessant shrieking of pertinent questions and kept babbling away about a place called the Shire and some guy called Baggins. The Orcs set me on fire quite a few times today also. Did I mention I hate fire? They're lucky I have a few spare uniforms. I guess this is the Mordoran version of testing the new recruits as a rite of passage. Hopefully tommorrow will be a better day.   
  
P.S. Another Orc set me on fire while I wrote this.  
Curse my pitifully dulled senses of sight. I became so   
accustomed to the stench of Minas Morgul that I   
didn't smell that Orc coming. I have to change yet again.  
  
Sincerely,  
  
Nazgul Cadet  
  
  
  
Day 2  
  
Dear Journal,  
  
I thought that today went much better than yesterday. Well except for the fact that Orcs still insist on setting me ablaze. I guess they needed to make a quick bonfire and I was the closest flammable material they could find. I took it all in good stride though unlike yesterday. But as things were going so well I took a stroll outside of the city just to see what was going on when I stepped right into this huge pile of dung from some creature called an Oliphaunt. Curse my poor sight again! Did I say stepped? I think I meant the stinking hot pile of refuse engulfed me. I was lucky when a group of Orcs were able to rescue me. I guess they were looking for more kindling for their fire. I have to go now and change my clothes yet again.  
  
P.S. I forgot to mention though, not only   
do I have to worry about Orcs setting me   
on fire but a few humans thought it was fun  
to set the Nazgul on fire as well. I just   
can't get no respect at all!  
  
Sincerely,  
  
Nazgul Cadet  
  
  
  
Day 3  
  
Dear Journal,  
  
I spent most of my morning at the Minas Morgul Surplus Uniform shop buying new Nazgul gear. I've decided that flame resistent threads might be a nice thing to have since everyone just likes to set me on fire like a piece of firewood. But since I'm just a Cadet I couldn't afford them. But on a more cheerful note I defaced a huge landmark on the outskirts of Mordor. I don't think the people living outside of Minas Tirith will mind that very much. I mean it's not like that statue was made in this age by them. Also, on a positive note, I think the Orcs and I are starting to warm up to each other, luckily not in a literal sense, and that was why I went on the little trip to vandalise a few landmarks with them. I had a really great time. What made things even better was the fact that the Witch King and the other full fledged Nazgul had left Barad-Dur on their little mission to the Shire to find that guy Baggins that Witch King was mumbling about. I noticed that he took with him a nice shiny Morgul Blade with him as well. It looks like things are getting very serious. What I wouldn't give to have a Morgul Blade of my own. But I was told that I couldn't handle that kind of weapon yet and I needed to stick with my little wooden stick to practice my sword fighting technique. I guess they're afraid I might accidentally stab a disgustingly innocent rabbit or some other harmless creature with it. I mean what good would an evil Ring Wraith Chipmunk be to Lord Sauron? I have to go now. I'm meeting a few of my fellow cadets at a local cafe. I've been told that the Orc sauce they serve is made from only the best Mordoran Orcs. There's not one drop of Isengard Uruk-Hai juice to be found in it. I'm feeling so very lucky today.  
  
Sincerely,  
  
Nazgul Cadet  
  
  
Day 4  
  
Dear Journal,  
  
I'm so bored! The Nine have all the fun. I'd like to say they see the world but like me I know their eyesight is just about as poor as mine so they really don't see that much anyway. I guess I have a little time to talk about my ambitions in my quasi-life right now since there's just nothing better to do. Well for starters I've come up with my Thousand Year plan, that is providing that nothing happens to Lord Sauron between now and then. I guess most of it will be spent terrorizing mortals and shrieking alot while riding horseback. Which reminds me, tomorrow we will be actually taught how to ride on horses. I guess that's something to look forward to. Sorry to make this entry so short but I can't think of anything else to jot down other than being bored which is what I've already established.  
  
P.S. Today was one of those rare days the Orcs  
did not set me on fire. I guess they've either   
moved on to better things or they're bored as   
well. But from what I heard a bunch of them were   
sent North to places like Isengard and Moria.   
They're so lucky!  
  
Yours Truly,  
  
Nazgul Cadet 


End file.
